Sorry about not being on in a long while. I've been fighting with myself and my time and my health. I've gained weight unfortunately, and I haven't been sleeping well, and the swimsuit I ordered online looked awful on me, and I think I might have pre-diabetes, my BF doesn't believe I deserve a vacation because of my job situation (having had to be taken off of the last job due to scheduling conflicts) and that I "haven't worked hard enough" this year to go on vacation, and I believe my life sucks, my talents are wasted and useless because the only thing I have going for me is my creativity and even that has been in a particular slump lately, I had a home sleep study done Wednesday night and had to return the device to the medical center by 9 the next morning, it's Friday and it doesn't feel like it, and I'm just upset about everything in general because I feel like a huge square peg being forced into a tiny ass round hole. I'm going again to the Cape next Saturday, but I have a bad feeling about it because it's been rainy a lot here and the sky is gloomy and darkish and I feel depressed even though I don't need to. Also, I should be packing for the Cape right now, but I've been putting it off and stuff. I'm just too lazy to do stuff. As Christian says, "I feel lard-like." Don't wanna move or do anything because my mind exhausts me with stupid invasive thoughts. I hope things clear up soon and that my mood improves, and that I don't really have pre-diabetes or whatever, or sleep apnea, or anything detrimental to my physical and mental health.
Long ass run-on sentence aside, I just want the misery to stop and whatnot. I want the stinging tears to go away. I want the happy to come back. I want to practice what I preach. I want things to make sense to me again.
I hate feeling like a loser; makes me confused as to how the heck I can reverse the feeling. I get lost in my own mind, so I guess I'm a loser because I lost myself? Not sure. Sometimes I wish suicide actually was painless (to me, to others around me, etc) so that nothing and no one would be affected by my loss. But there's so much I have to do still. So many stories to write, to read, so many things to learn. And so little time to prove to myself that I'm supposed to stand out, and successfully at that, and be known for being good, and nice, and kind, and funny, and helpful, etc... There's so much to do, but I don't know how much longer I can stand the internal suffering and the external negative stimuli that the rest of the world has been thrusting onto my (and a lot of people's) plate(s) and forcing us to choke on.
TL;DR - Sometimes I wish I could die because I suffer, but there's too much to do still, so I can't die yet. Not now. Not until I'm good and ready and my time has truly come and I am old but in a better state of mind than I am currently. I'm not thinking straight right now. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay like always, I just needed to get this off my chest.